respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
