I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
sarcasm needs its own font
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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