I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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