apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
