you lied. pity sex is amazing.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
