Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
