remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
