Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
