i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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