Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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