If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
