YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
