apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
