I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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