Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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