and my herpes radar will keep us safe
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
