We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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