I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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