considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
