i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
