I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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