You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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