You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
