Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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