Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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