I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
