So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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