i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
