Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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