I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
