The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
