Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
