Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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