he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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