so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
