If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Watching her eat just hurts me
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
