I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You ruined the universe
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
