I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
