im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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