he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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