i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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