I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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