When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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