my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
