my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
