so explain again why im purple
no
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
