did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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