i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
