Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
