I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
