i already hear my dad disowning me
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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