He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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