I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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