I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
